


Expendable Crankiplier

by bevin



Category: Crankiplier - Fandom, Who Killed Markiplier? (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst and Romance, Angst with a Happy Ending, Comfort, Comforting Mark, Cute Ethan Nestor, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Ethan Nestor needs a hug, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Heart-to-Heart, Heavy Angst, Hurt Ethan, Hurt No Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, Insecurity, Jokes taken to heart, M/M, Mild Hurt/Comfort, Mistakes, Pining Mark Fischbach, Protective Mark Fischbach, Sad Ethan Nestor, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Doubt, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, Self-Indulgent, Sweet
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-18
Updated: 2020-04-18
Packaged: 2021-03-01 18:01:56
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,715
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23721289
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bevin/pseuds/bevin
Summary: Jokes that's all they were right?Meaningless jokes that tore down what little self-esteem Ethan had. But it was all for content, all for a good laugh on Mark and Tyler's behalf.That is until Mark finally realizes the effect that these words have on Ethan.
Relationships: Mark Fischbach/Ethan Nestor
Comments: 18
Kudos: 409





	Expendable Crankiplier

He isn't sure when, he isn't sure how, but at some point, everything changed.

Ethan used to love being teased by his friends, It made him feel as though he was doing something right. Like he wasn't just burdening those he held dear with his mere presence. He basked in every eye roll, every laugh, any reaction he could get because he knew not to take it to heart - behind every crinkled nose and every scoff came amused gazes and loving intentions. Because every harsh joke, belittlement and hateful comments held no bite to them they were all meant to be harmless teasing. 

Until they weren't, one day came an onslaught of doubt, the constant feeling of dread churning in the deep pits of his gut. it started out as something that barely happened until it wasn't. 

Normally that wouldn't have been a problem he could just manage to push the feeling away, suppress it which realistically wasn't ideal nor healthy but that's how he got by shouldering away his problems. But the more he stuck around the more the feeling got worse until finally, every snarky comment felt like a massive punch, no it was worse he'd been punched many times in his short life but this was unlike anything he'd ever felt before. 

He tries to reassure himself tries to tell himself that they enjoy his company, that he's not just some burden, that it's all fun and games and that they don't truly mean what they say but even that doesn't help in the slightest and he feels more pain at the thought of being truly hated by those he'd do anything for. The feeling manifests deep within him hated that's what he is he tells himself that he'll get over feeling this way, that he doesn't deserve to feel like this or feel comfort when people have it so much worse. He'll get over it he tells himself.

But he doesn't and a day of feeling like this turns into a day, tomorrow he'll get over it he tells himself.

That turns into days,

which turns into weeks,

months, 

until finally, it turns into a year.

He doesn't remember when the feeling got too be too much, overcoming every sense of him but he'd like to think it was somewhere around the year mark. That's when it got too cold, too hard for him to deal with. And yet it's nothing he'd really want to tell anyone about in fear of being judged and that's the point where he really realizes with a sense of dread that no he, in fact, won't be getting over this. That this wasn't like his other feelings that he could just push back without a second thought. 

It's a nice day, breezy with not a cloud in sight something they hadn't had in a while. Ethan finds himself wishing he could be like the sky in a sense the clouds being his thoughts which he wishes weren't so vivid and just weren't there for a bit. All he wanted was peace but despite himself, he ends up going to the diner with...what should he even call them? Friends weren't the word for people who hate you. Ethan hasn't said anything because he knows that he'll be turned into the laughing stock as usual. That anything he says will be taken out of context and used as a way to tease him. He knows it will hurt and quite frankly he can't bring himself to be hurt today he's already somber as it is. He wants to enjoy the silence but he's not in luck seeing as they notice. 

'' Are you okay Ethan?'' Tyler asks from his spot across from him, he's sitting next to Mark who was sipping at his milkshake contently. They both look at him perplexed and suddenly he feels very out of place not used to having attention on him except for when he's being made a joke. The feeling of heat creeping into his cheeks startles him even more as a bead of sweat slips down his cheek. Marks finally the one to break the silence. Because what's new? It's always Mark that breaks the silence. It's always Mark that makes him feel less of himself without even trying.

'' Yeah, usually we can never get you to shut up.''

And there it is again the pain that makes itself known because honestly is that all he is to them? The annoying tag along that can never shut up?

'' I'm fine,'' I say hastily, they don't seem to notice and go back to talking about what to do for YouTube content. Deep down I feel unsettled was I really so weak that I wanted someone to notice that I wasn't okay? Of course, I was. Less than a minute later he finds himself being scrutinized by Mark's questioning gaze and before he can think about what he's doing he's already speaking.

''I uh- I should go I have to edit.'' and just as he gets up the worst thing happens he trips because that's really the cherry on top. Laughter rings throughout the room and he looks up to find himself the laughing stock and that's what truly gets to him. They aren't laughing with him there laughing at him almost as though they hadn't all built up a friendship. He used to be overjoyed at being able to make them laugh even at his own expense yet that all seems so long ago now. 

Quickly grabbing his things he runs as fast as he's ever run out of the diner and on his way home, tears pricking his eyes. Because it's then that he realizes the only thing he's good at to them is being something they can poke and prod at for a bit of fun. 

Once he gets home he just lays in bed silently and wills himself to fall asleep before he breaks down because it's all he can do from keeping himself from doing so. He's at ease about not having to deal with anyone. It seemed to have worked so far seeing as Tyler had come over asking for him but Ethan had ignored it hoping he'd leave which he eventually did. Propping up his pillow slightly Ethan nearly yelped when Mark suddenly appeared making his way through the window. 

''Mark?'' he found himself whispering uncertainly wondering what the hell had made him want to show up this late at night.

''Eth, don't look so surprised to see me'' The raven-haired whispered cheekily.

''Well, you did just come through my window!'' It came out harsher then he intended but really how was he supposed to act to something like this?

'' And you did storm out of the diner earlier so I guess we're even now aren't we?'' It was said with an accusing tone that made Ethan wish he was anywhere but here.

''I did not storm out. I really did just want to edit'' That received a glare that made him gulp.

''Sure as hell seemed like it Eth, and as if that wasn't enough you sent Tyler away, besides you think I haven't noticed you avoiding us? Because I sure did notice it and I miss you Eth I just want to know what's going on.'' Mark said his voice breaking slightly by the end of his statement. I didn't know what to say and being confronted was stressing me out so I settled on the only thing I knew how to do, pushing people away.

''I'm fine,'' I said and tried to walk away but Mark grabbed my wrists his light brown eyes kindled with a bright and annoying fire.

''I know your not okay why is it so hard for you to open up? It's annoying at times how you're there for everyone but don't let anyone help you...-''

He stops listening because that feeling is so much worse then it's ever been. His stomach clenches and he finds the floor suddenly very interesting. He tries not to cry as he feels the tears pricking his eyes he doesn't need to give Mark more of a reason to make fun of him but all he can think about is how he's annoying, annoying, annoying, annoying, annoying, annoying-

''And I just want to know how to help you know? Because you're always there for me and helped me when I needed someone, you listen to me. Your the only one who truly listens to me... anyways you've always been there and I've known you long enough to know that something is wrong I just didn't know how to bring it up so...god I'm not good at this but just please what's going on Eth? And don't say it's nothing damn it.'' 

'' I uh..um'' Shaking his head hopelessly he tries to divert the question but one look at Mark shows that he wants a real honest explanation and that's exactly what scares him.

And so he finds himself burst into tears instead feeling so immensely overwhelmed that he can't help it.

Shocked Mark stands silently for a moment just trying to wrap his head around what's happening for a moment because Ethan never cries not even when they were younger. His eyes go wide as he scrambles over to Ethan. ''Hey, hey, hey I'm here Eth it's okay please don't cry,'' he says over and over and suddenly Mark feels so misplaced because in all honesty, this isn't his area of expertise and if he's being completely honest with himself if this was anyone else other then Ethan he would have walked out.  
'' Talk to me,'' it comes out as a plea. 

''Please.''

''I'm sorry, I'm sorry... god Mark I'm so sorry I-I don't. I don't want to be annoying...'' He ends up clutching Mark's shirt by the end of his broken statement as though his life depended on it.

Mark brings him into his arms and cradles Ethan like a fragile piece of treasure, rocking back and forth whispering soft nothings into the Brunettes ear. Ethan tries he really tries to suppress his cries and get a hold of himself but he can't seem too it's like everything he's ever suppressed has suddenly made itself known. Right in front of Mark and god he probably looks so weak.

Shut up your being annoying honestly no wonder you get laughed at your pathetic. Can't you ever be quiet? His mind supplies.

''You need to talk to me,'' Mark says softly is face buried in the depths of Ethans thick chocolate brown hair. He says it with so much conviction, concern, and raw worry that Ethan knows he's right. 

He's still trembling horribly by the time he pulls away and the tear tracks are still present and steadily flowing although Mark looks disturbed at Ethan pulling away.

'' Eth?''

''It's the jokes,'' he says shuddering as his voice breaks he hates how pathetic he sounds.

''But..but we don't mean any of it we always joke around like this for content.''

'' Are you sure? Because it seems real like none of you like me. Like I...like all I'm good for is making you guys laugh. Like your all laughing at me instead of with me.''

Tensing Mark looks at Ethan in shock as he questions, '' Wait Eth...let me get this straight you...you think we don't like you anymore? You think that we use you as a laugh? That we don't care about you and that we're only using you for jokes? That's what you... What you think?''

''No'' He says wiping away tears. ''I guess...- It's what I think of myself.''

''Oh,'' Mark's eyes are so soft and sad that it shocks him.''Ethan, I-''

''I mean I know I'm an absolute pain'' he interrupts. ''And stubborn, annoying, stupid, reckless and I never know when to be serious but I just...I never thought it'd be an issue, you know?''

Immediately Mark softly tilts Ethan's face so he can look him in his shining hazel eyes. ''Fuck that'' this time his tone is soft. ''We love you, okay? You're like our stability you better us as people. Without you, we...we'd lose our minds, Eth. We need you, I need you.'' Ethan swallows thickly. '' And everything you just said is what makes you Ethan Nestor, yes your stubborn, reckless and to be honest everyone's stupid but you are not pain and I mean that I don't just say things just to say them you are genuinely an amazing person and I don't know where I'd be without you. And honestly, you know when to be serious Ethan it kinda bothers me at times because sometimes your too serious, you've had a hard life and you shut people out because of it but you are a good guy. I just never thought you'd take what we said seriously'' Mark said with guilt etched in his firm features.

'' I never did and then I guess the jokes just got crueler and I had so much going on and just...god Mark it hurt it always did, I don't know why. I- I...I didn't.''

''Hey it's okay'' Mark whispers gently, cupping Ethan's face as though it were the most precious thing as he wiped away tears. One look at Mark makes Ethan hate himself at the amount of distress and pain in his features. '' I can tell you why I...- why we love you. So that.. instead of thinking of all the stupid stuff we say without thinking, you'll think about the stuff we do mean. ''

Slowly he receives a nod.

''You are truly one of the best people the world has.'' Mark starts and the amount of determination leaves him breathless. ''You're brave, willing to put your life in front of everyone for others which scares me senseless at times because you manage all the hate you get, the hate that you don't deserve alone which really isn't your burden to bear alone. You talk a lot but you also listen more than anyone I've ever met which is so hard to do. You know when to be serious and when to not be. You're so naturally amazing with music, I swear you've got a talent. You won't defend yourself but you'll defend everyone else which is stupid because it puts you in danger all the time. But it's because you care more than anyone and I just I couldn't have a heart as big as yours, Eth I really couldn't.''

''Ma-...''

'' Let me finish'' he interrupts quickly needing to get this out. ''You are so creative and wonderful. Without you...we're nothing gosh Eth Nothing without you. You have the kindest eyes, the warmest smile, and the most contagious laugh I've ever heard. You've saved so many people just from waking up every day and pouring your heart out into your videos. It helps people escape from there problems and you do that all without expecting anything in return. You do so even when you are struggling yourself. You are honestly charming, and your eyes they are beautiful. The freckles that are all over your shoulders and arms and they contrast so greatly against your hair and skin it's breathtaking. YOU are breathtaking.'' Mark mutters before eyeing the freckles warily. '' I always thought of counting them and I find them so cute.'' And just like that Ethan is left in silence shocked at what had just been said.

''I-I love you Eth'' Mark says sincerely bringing the small fragile male into his arms.

''I...I love you too Mark.''

''Are you sure Eth? Because it obviously effected you and I could go on for hours, It's easy I have a million reasons why I love you and I never want some dumb jokes anyone makes for content or just, in general, to make you feel like that ever again. I'll do whatever it takes so you never feel like that again so what do I do?''

''Just tell me? I'm not sure Mark I've never dealt with this before...It's hard.''

''I'll tell you every day, hell I'll tell you every minute if it helps. I love you every day no matter what and you are never in this alone.''


End file.
